I had no idea the treasure I carted around, I just knew some days were utterly exhausting and I fell asleep feeling like a failure while other days had exhilarating moments of clarity and joy like I never experienced before. No one could have warned me. Even if they tried, my heart did not have the vocabulary to comprehend the marvelous gift God entrusted to me when He blessed me with sons. Their love brought fulfillment and healing I never imagined possible.
The very first breath of my firstborn exposed my carefully guarded heart; I was completely clueless how innately selfish I was until I had to give up sleep, rearrange my schedule, roles, relationships, career, my entire existence! This spring-cleaning of the heart made room for the lavish of love my boys were to bestow upon me. Barely verbal they were already protective of me. I felt strangely safe surrounded by my set of preschool sons! When I recognized how much my little boys adored me and wanted to make me happy I was impelled to be a better woman and mother. They modeled forgiveness and pure love. I wanted to deserve their wholehearted affection.
I was gifted to relive childhood through their eyes and this time around I was surprised to discover I enjoyed building with legos, rain boots were the only necessary equipment for a fun filled day and ice cream cones had the power to transport you to magical realms. Tucking in my slumbering princes and stealing kisses as they dreamed, receiving spontaneous hugs throughout the day, receiving their help as they attempted to lug heavy grocery bags and “fix” things for me, snuggling while reading a favorite book, watching them accomplish new skills and hearing them sing in the back seat- I have lived a lifetime of sweet memories.
It wasn’t all mud puddles and sweet puppy dogs. There existed a period of time when my sons appeared only capable of eating, sleeping, creating dirty laundry and suffering emotional meltdowns. I spent too many days taking deep breaths (trying not to hyperventilate) and praying I would stay strong enough to resist the urge to bury them in the backyard. Then suddenly, the storm was over. A young man walked into my door and my heart skipped a beat. He supports himself, loves Jesus, dreams big dreams, has healthy relationships and apparently even brushes his teeth and changes his underwear on a daily basis without reminders! (Those of you with 12-14 year old boys will understand the wonderment of this last point)
As God would have it, they found women who complete them. Now is the part of the dance where I graciously step aside. I have to be honest and admit that I thoroughly relished being the most important and most beautiful woman on the planet (and the best cook of course) but once again, there is a sweet reward in moving aside and making room for another. I gained a daughter who fills a place in my heart that unbeknownst to me, was there just for her all along. The sting of being separated is soothed, knowing my son is loved and cared for and living life with his soul mate. I pray one day she receives the precious gift of a son. My advice will be very simple but from the depths of my being. Love him. Treasure him with all your heart. Soak in every day, inhale deeply and live completely every moment with him. Being his mother will be one of the greatest joys and most fulfilling accomplishments of your life.